Been having a bit of a wibble about the impending 55 mile race. However, I think I am past that and I can write about it without getting down all over again...
I'd had a successful day out at the HM30 on New Years Day (see previous blog post) had a few days rest, then carried on a normal. By Thursday my body had had enough and I made myself ill on our regular head torch run!! So, I thought I'd best take it steady for a little while, which is what I did.
I was feeling a little blue anyway, I do from time to time, but was really struggling to get my head around running, especially any kind of distance! On one Sunday I'd got 16 miles down in my plan, I'd got up early and packed my running bag ready to go, but couldn't get out of the door. I dithered about outside, ending up in tears of shear frustration! I know there is only me how can do it, but it seemed impossible. I came back in and regrouped, knowing if I bailed completely I'd feel even worse. Instead, I managed to go out for about 8 miles round town.
The next week, I'd planned a 14 mile run round Osmotherly with a few chaps from club. The route is arranged in loops, the idea being that anyone who didn't want to do the full 14 miles could drop out and wait for us in the tea shop! As it was, only 3 other people turned up and we decided to just do the half distance. It was a good run, quite icy underfoot though. We enjoyed ourselves and had brunch at the café afterwards.
Later I felt like crap when I saw on Facebook that 'everyone' had run further than me that day.
Another week on, and the guys from We Love a Challenge had planned a 30 mile recce of the HM55 route. However, I woke to a blizzard!! After a lot of dithering (I'm good at that!) I set out, but alas it was not to be as the snow prevented me from even getting to the meeting point. Devastated I went home, intending to do a 20 mile run of my own. Needless to say I never did.
Instead, I did a lot of comfort eating and moping about getting more and more pissed off with myself. A 4 mile token effort round town did nothing to improve my mood. I then spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday in a complete mess. I don't work these days in winter and literally sat around crying my eyes out. Sounds silly now, but at the time it was the end of the world.
I am very nervous, scared even of the HM55. I think part of it is that is really beyond my comfort zone, I don't know if I'll even finish! When I have done marathons, I've always known in the back of my head I can walk the distance if it came to it. Even the HM30, well that's just another 4 miles. This is different. It scares me. For a short time, I had allowed myself to become paralysed by that fear. I just hope I have enough time left to make a difference.
Pulling out is not an option, that would mean complete failure and would probably lead to hanging up my trainers. 'Cos that's how my head works...
In the meantime, I have another marathon on Sunday!